Goodbye
by Aerase
Summary: It's been 12 years since the end of the second wizarding war and Severus Snape is struggling to come to terms with reality. He never expected to survive the war and now he doesn't know how to survive life.


Severus Snape sat still on his bed counting the number of buttons on his robes. He could no longer button them up without the help of his healer but he loved to run his fingers across them. Every time he did he was faced with another memory from his time as a spy. Eighteen buttons for eighteen years. This was all he had left-his robes, memories and photographs. He had secluded himself from the wizarding world for his own sake. He didn't have the strength to be a hero anymore.

His fingers traced the ridges in the bedside table and the glass vase before he rang the little bell that alerted his personal house elf.

"Twinky, I would like a rather large breakfast this morning, I feel as if I haven't eaten in years," He rasped while the elf's eyes widened.

"But master! Twinky has been ordered to only serve porridge," Twinky bowed her head.

"Yes, Twinky I am aware of your orders," he gave her a wry smile, "but today is a rather special day and I will be needing my strength."

"Twinky will make a plan," Twinky's eyes twinkled before she disappeared full of vigour.

A knock at the door alerted Severus that he could not simply fall back under the covers. A tall brown haired woman stood grinning in the doorway. Her nurses uniform was slightly crinkled and the bag in her hands was nearly bursting.

"Good morning Mr Snape," She smiled wider.

"What's so good about it?" He smirked in return.

She pretended to think for a moment and then replied,"Why the rest of the world can share in my misery today! Isn't that enough?"

"I suppose so, though it will only happen if I can get some clothes on," Severus cocked his head downwards to his thinly clothed body. He had grown horizontally since the end of the second war. Though he was only 50, the vicious attack from Nagini had been a catalyst for his aging. His hands shook so badly that he could not dress, eat or hold a book comfortably anymore. His knees were prone to giving out at odd times and his eyesight was atrocious. Severus was in a lot of pain, physically and emotionally as he relived the horrors that he had swept under the rug for thirty-eight years. Every night was darker than the last and every dawn more welcome than before.

If Severus Snape was in this much of suffering, why did he bother staying alive? He had no reason to, he had no family, he never had a true friend, no love, no money and he didn't want the fame. So why was he alive? This was the question he asked himself every single day. So far he hadn't found an answer, he didn't even know where to start. He supposed that merely existing was a bit of fuck you to the countless people who tried to kill him over the years. _Including Voldemort._

Today though, he would not dwell on such things. Instead he would partake in the lighthearted fun of a reunion he had been coerced into attending by Potter. He had selected his best robes and asked Mary, his healer to comb back his hair into a neat ponytail. As he wheeled along in his wheelchair to the floo station, he felt a lightness in his heart. He felt oddly happy about seeing other people for a change.

* * *

He sat in the doorway for a moment before wheeling his way into the room and taking a place next to the couch. Slowly he watched as Molly noticed his presence.

"Oh Severus, I'm so glad you made it!" She rushed forward to give him a hug and press a mug of soup into his hand.

Arthur shook his hand and marvelled, again, at the amazing muggle contraption keeping him seated.

One by one he was greeted he each member of the Weasley family, he spoke very little until he got to George.

"George?" He whispered nearly.

"Yes, professor?" George mock whispered back.

"You two were good at potions, I never told you that, I apologise," Severus' voice quivered. He didn't know why he was saying this after all these years.

"Th-Th-Thank you," Although seldom, George still broke out in tears when his missing twin was mentioned. He couldn't fathom what Fred would have said to that. He would made a joke about keeping it a secret.

Severus then found Harry Potter standing in front of him with his family in tow. Harry opened his mouth to say something but it was drowned out by the sound of blood rushing in his ears. Severus closed his eyes and tried to steady his breathing. He couldn't feel the pain yet but it would come soon enough.

He found himself on the floor, curled up on his side with Hermione Granger kneeling next to him checking his vital signs. Harry Potter knelt beside her handing her vials from her bag. Severus gasped for air. He wanted to tell them. He had so much to say.

He wanted to tell Harry that he was sorry that he had said he was just like his arrogant father. Harry only looked like James and flew like James. Harry Potter was sweet and kind and courageous like _Lily_.

He wanted to tell Hermione that he was sorry for all the times he had laughed at her, and called her a know-it-all. Hermione was a lovely young woman without whom the second wizarding war would not have been won. She was an _exemplary witch_.

He wanted to tell Ron that he was sorry for labelling him as a stupid child. Ron was a good thinker and duelist. He was _invaluable_ as a friend.

He had so many people to apologise to, so many things he wanted to say. But he never did.

Severus Snape was unlike other heroes', he did not go out with a bang but a whisper, _"I'm sorry,_ "


End file.
